


Gravity & Oxygen

by pumpkin_latte



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Drabble, First Attempt at Drabble, I Tried, M/M, One Shot, Wonkyun, angsty, changho - Freeform, changkyun's pov, i needed more changho, is this even drabble idk, set in England but you can imagine whatever, tagging is fun yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 02:08:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15086717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkin_latte/pseuds/pumpkin_latte
Summary: An angsty drabble. Enough said.





	Gravity & Oxygen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [x_blonda_x](https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_blonda_x/gifts).



 

I closed my eyes and told myself it would be alright. That this was an illusion. That my head wasn't actually spilling into darkness when you pulled on the strings of my heart as your fingers pressed the keys of sweet melody. I told myself I was okay, and that the waterfalls in your eyes were not caused by me but instead from your own mind. Maybe because it was too terrifying to accept, or to real to fathom. I thought it would be alright because you were my gravity and I was your oxygen, keeping you alive just to kill you slowly. We were each other's disease, but you were also my remedy.

I said this to myself as I watched you leave. As you packed your things in neatly folded piles inside that same suitcase that once held _our_ things. Not just yours.

I said it was fine, when you asked if this bothered me. You leaving. When in reality it was chewing into the deepest crevices of my bones, turning them into dust. I nodded as you said this was for the best, never once screaming the contents of my heart as I held your sleeve and begged you not to go. Instead I remained quiet from the opposite end of the room and let you walk out of my space and my life, but _never_ once from my heart.

I still remember the day you had so proudly walked in. Claiming that this was forever and that you could make it better. I trusted you the way I trust gravity to keep me grounded, yet you let me float away to places unreachable, and now I'm lost. In your eyes, in your smile, your laugh... somewhere in your heart in a foreign land.

And now the foolish me has come searching for you, for that exit... or maybe the entrance. I found that I'll be alright, that we will be alright, as I stood in front of the wooden door that lead to your space. I knocked, and knocked, until the sun disappeared and my heart gave in yet you still were not here.

I waited, and came back the next day, and the next, then the next, but your new life evaded mine entirely. I had given up, feeling the rain soak my skin and fill the holes you left in my heart. I walked under a moonless sky and a street lamp faded nearby. I was walking away from you, your home, that door that you never unlocked. My hollow eyes fixated on the wet pavement of these streets as my feet dragged my broken soul.

I was sinking deeper into the cold soil and my heart had abandoned reasoning. I remember running to someplace I didn't know, exerting every bit of energy I had in hopes that my atoms would find yours. You. My gravity.

I had seen the night morph into hazy blurs of black and midnight blue, to a whirlwind of polluted rain and salty tears, the streetlamps and car lights mixing into one mocking spotlight in my eyes. But then I stopped,

 

 _"Changkyun?"_ I heard you call, softly, like wind passing across the ocean. I turned and met your eyes, those beautifully surprised eyes. I wanted to run and engulf your body in my arms, but I haven't changed much, I guess. Even after all these years.

 

I remained silent. Too scared and too shocked to finally see you, even after coming so far just for that very reason. I opened my mouth but my voice choked in my throat and no sound would resonate. I felt my heart race so fast it ached, and with every step you took into my space, I wanted to crawl below the crust of this planet and never face the light of day. Your face. Your heart. Your _crushing_ gravity.

Yet you were gentle and your eyes alone caressed my cold skin with warmth, with that broken look you gave me I shattered. As if you were barely alive, just breathing through a hollow shell. Yet you brightened, maybe, blood returning to your veins as you touched me. Your fingers against my cheek and your trembling pink lips curving into such a wide smile, I invaded you. Arms wrapped around you as the rain soaked into both of us. I just wanted this moment etched inside the confines of my brain, even if you pushed me away a blink later just to turn and leave again. Even if you told me this isn't what you wanted, I knew it's what my heart needed. And so I dug my fingers into your damp jacket as I heard your umbrella collide with the drenched ground, your fingers curling into my body as your heat swallowed me whole.

 _"Hoseok, I- I'm sorry I let you leave"_ I had stammered with a voice so broken but with my mind so resolved. _"I'm sorry I never said anything"_ , I had cried into your shoulder, and maybe I felt the hotness of your tears stream down my neck as well. _"I'm sorry it took me five years to stop you"_ , even though you had already left and gone.

You were silent for too long. The pattering of the rain deafened our thoughts, but not our hearts. Not as yours beat so heavily against my chest, I could tell you _wanted_ me too. That you missed me right back, but your beats never played the melody of forgiveness.

I had pulled you away, despite never wanting to let go. I looked you in your eyeballs and searched for something, anything, to keep my mind from harvesting the darkness that had previously spilled inside. They softened, and you hit my arm playfully, a tremulous smile on your face.

 

 _"I wasn't going to forgive you,"_ you spoke as I held my breath, _"but..."_ , only for you to force it out of me as you pressed your lips against mine. My oxygen giving you life as you breathed me in through parted lips, my fingers clutching your back with devastating eagerness. My face went numb from the cold rain and from you, your novocaine like lips that I sank my teeth into. You made a sound that I hadn't heard for years, and I knew you wanted this too. That you forgave me, that I wasn't going to let the night blind my mind again. But my heartbeat was unsteady and you pulled away, that look flashing in your eyes that you were afraid. Afraid that we'd fall through the same pattern once more or twice, and that five years from now you'd pack up and move to another country all over again.

 

And for what?

 

For a stupid fight that I failed to control? Because I could feel the ground slipping from under my feet as you tore your way out my heart? I had felt the pull of gravity disappear into an unreachable shadow as my mind lost direction in space.

 

I understand now. It _was_ my fault.

But for now you're here. And I'll remember as you whispered _'I love you'_ against my neck, that my cold fingers held your moonlit face under the moonless sky and my mouth said it right back. Because I never stopped loving you. So I'll let you breathe me in so I can slowly kill you while keeping you alive. We'll do this dance where you play the keys to my heart until you lose the tune and leave me again, just for me to find you.

Because you're my gravity and unconsciously pull me in your direction.


End file.
